Tuesday, July 22, 2003 @ 09:38am | Entry no.271 | I've got plans ||   mood    excited   || ||   music    heart of asia   || Hmph. I know what I wanted to write about. Patrick made fun of me yesterday. Says he doesn't understand how I can be in complete control in a situation and not do anything about it except complain about how I don't want it to be that way. I don't know if what I just wrote made much sense, but either way. I got made fun of. I didn't mind though. Patrick's awesome. Hehe. We have a "date". Ahh... hotness. He is the embodiment of yummy hotness. Surprisingly, he's also quite the dirty bastard. Kinky. I likes. Ha. Too bad I'm not single, the fun I could have with this boy. Ah, patience, Nancy... Patience. I'll start typing properly now. I was talking to Dee earlier this morning, and we were discussing the idea of when mummy dearest comes back from Canada, that the both of us would go off on our own little vacation to somewhere nice. Some of the ideas were that we'd possibly go down to Disneyworld... or take a cruise, or go to someplace exotic and tropical. I'm already supposed to be going to Six Flags on Sunday with Eileen and Dee. I wonder if I can get more people to come along, even though... ahh... Bikini scariness! My pudgy arse in a bikini, that should be interesting... even though it makes me look like my boobs are like Anna Nicole's. That's it, I'm not eating til after Sunday, so, my fat ass won't be any bigger. ((sighs)) Bwhahaha.. I can't wait til Jersey, I mean, already, there are so many more things planned over there then there are here. I should have never even moved back last year. That way, I could have avoided that train wreck of a relationship, and all the emotionally and physical scars from it. Hmph. That just reminded me of tattoo that I was talking about with Mattie. I had mentioned that I wanted to get another tattoo, but I was still throwing a few ideas around. One of em was that I wanted to get a band of hearts around my wrist, but then we started talking about how I should have a little crack in each heart for each guy that broke it. I found it rather funny, because he said that by the time I'm thirty, the band of hearts'll be up to my elbow. Ah, he should talk, he would be one of those little hearts. And contrary to popular belief, I do not fall for people easily. I've been in love 3 times. There was only Brian, Mattie and the ex whose name I shall not mention. Brian was the first love, Mattie, was the "oh my god, you're my best friend, and damnit, I think I love you", and the last one. Eep. That was the first time that I truly went crazy when we broke up. Hmph. I swear, I get teased so damned much."Wow, you actually managed to get a boyfriend?" or "Is there anyone who you haven't dated?" . I haven't dated that many people now! I'm young, I'm allowed to have fun. Ahh! And I've got plans today. Pat messaged me around 9:20, and then called me. He suggested that I should come down to the Gallery, because that's where he'll be during his lunch break. Woot. Plans. And then I'll probably wind up fighting the urge to go buy the Harry Potter book, because it is over in Jersey, just waiting for me. I'm going to start getting dress... and later on make my moves on Christian boy, and give him that smooch that he wants for his birthday. Hehe... <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 @ 06:21pm | Entry no.272 | mwhahahha... trying to corrupt a Christian guy is very difficult indeed ||   mood    confused   || ||   music    "what about" _toybox   || Lunch with Patrick Leslie was verrrry interesting to say the least. We talked about very lovely topics which were highly unsuitable during any time of the day, not to mention during lunch in a crowded food court. He shopped. I shopped. I got a pink bra and see thru thong set. Very cute, very cute indeed. It's pretty. I feel as though I should post pictures of it, it's just that adorable. I feel an urge to show off just how cute it is. I felt a bit bad for making him go into a "girly" store and play with "girly" undergarments, but eh, oh well. I wound up getting a CD for him for his birthday present. He gave me a hug and said thank you. I looked at him funny, and apparently looked pretty confused, and he laughed and explained to me, that when someone gives you a birthday present, you show them gratitude. Oooh. Didn't I feel like the silly goose? I didn't really expect a hug though and he already said thanks. ((shrugs)) By the end of all this, it was about 2:30ish. He's been on his lunch break for two hours now. Not a good thing. Then we walked to City Hall, and there were a few innocent kisses exchanged. And then another 45 minutes were wasted because we spent it talking about what just happened. I didn't want them to be innocent little kisses. He didn't either. He said he had principles and wouldn't do anything more than a ((muahz)) because I had a boyfriend. He felt bad that I felt bad about kissing him. He spent quite a bit of it fighting himself and me about the whole kiss issue. Says I should try again next time when I didn't have one. I'm going to hell. Ah, we hugged and kissed, and I went home and he went back to work after a 3 hour lunch break. I had told my sweetie I was going to do that with Pat. And I did it. I wonder how he's going to take it when I tell him. He probably thought I was joking. I don't really joke all that much about stuff like that. When I say I'll do something, I'll usually do it. Could this be the end of the relationship? Ha, I've had people say I'm only doing this to push my sweetie away. Not really. Ah. Bugger to it all. He'll probably think I did it because we had a fight. Which isn't true by the way, I've been wanting to do that for about a month now. It's probably wisest to just keep away from guys. I'm still not talking to him. I accidentally picked up the phone while I was at the mall, thinking it was Pat, and I got roped into a whole conversation. Doesn't he understand the meaning of giving a girl space and time to cool off? Obviously not, if he called me. Blah, why doesn't he understand to just give me some time and everything'll be okay? The more he pushes the issue, the worse off the situation'll be. Anyways, I told Kare about the kiss, needless to say, she wasn't too happy with it. She wished that I hadn't done it. Oh well. By the end of this week, I would have gotten yelled at by probably a few more people. I don't know what's going on in my head right now. I don't know what I want! And I also got yelled at for not being online as much anymore. People actually missed me so damned much that I got phone calls inquiring as to where I was. Sheesh, you're not online for a few days and everyone gets all worried. I'm just really sick of the computer, and besides updating my journal, there really isn't anything to keep me on here. I mean, granted, I get to talk to very lovely people but talking online just further emphasizes my isolation from these people. So, I stay offline more. I mean, if these people truly missed me, they have my number. Maybe I'm just getting ready to cut people out of my life. I don't know. I don't know anything anymore. I'm just so confused. I just don't know. I wish someone would just explain to me everything that's going on in my head... because the only thing I do know, is this feeling of discontentment and it's very unsettling, but at the same time, I know that I'm capable of doing things to change it, but I can't risk hurting other people in the search for my own happiness. I'm going out with Kare later tonight. I'm being really productive and active. I should wonder about myself. I'm not being the usual lazy layabout. What's bringing this on? This cannot be the manic part of things. Otherwise I'm screwed, because then I can expect to be hit with a severe bout of depression sometime soon. I also have to go out tomorrow. Doctor's appointment. Yay, I get to see what's wrong with me. And I get to go to the optician to get examined and new glasses and contacts... and I'll have to get a referral from my doctor, because my genius arse is finally going to be an "adult" and hop on the pill, which was something I should have done as soon as I started being sexually active. Ha, I used to be such an advocate for safe sex, constantly throwing condoms at friends. [Literally, I've done that lots of times], and yelling at them to go get ECPs whenever there was unprotected sex, and blah blah blah. All that lovely stuff, and I myself has never gotten around to actually going on the pill. Oh well. I should probably make some more phone calls now and set my schedule up better for tomorrow. <33 toodles unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 @ 06:52pm | Entry no.273 | guys equal horrible, icky, disgusting, hateful things. ||   mood    angry   || ||   music    "a drug not meant for you" _ epsilon zero   || Short post. I'd just like to say, I truly detest males right now. Mike ran away to who knows where when he was the only reason why I was still online, and now I get to stay here and be all pissed off. I'm in a foul, foul mood, and I'm just praying that hanging out with Kare tonight'll bring my mood up. Otherwise, I'm liable to snap at the next guy who even annoys me in the slightest. Dear god, I hope it wouldn't be Patrick, otherwise I'm screwed, because that is one guy that even I know not to pick fights with. Hmph. I kind of want Pat to be online, or to call me now. Not right of me at all, but I want to talk to him. Blah, I've spent too much time online as it is. I need to get ready. <33 toodles ( 4 ) deep dark secrets revealed  unburden your soul  ( memory/edit )